in wonderland


It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlights
I've made a living with a song
Guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
But I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love just like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
You opened up my eyes

So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life


Well. Life it seems is either teaching me a very important lesson, or I have just pissed it off. I know that things have been bad for awhile and I am trying desperately not to give up. I bounce back and forth between complete hopelessness and a determination that would light a fire under a snails ass and make it run at the speed of sound.

I am trying so hard. I know that its gonna get better, hell it has to, I mean if karma is real then I have got some seriously good time coming. I just have to keep trying to get close to the surface of this lake I am in and then when I finally do break the top, I will be able to breathe.

I keep trying though. Even when I am at my lowest I don't think that I really give up. Or at least I hope I don't. I have great friends that are standing by me and holding their hands out and right now that is exactly what I need.

The pain hasn't gone away though. I still feel as if I am trying to hold myself together, literally. I still feel this huge hole in my chest and sometimes the numbness takes it away and other times it has me curled up in the bathroom crying so hard I can't breathe.

So I guess what I am saying is that I haven't thrown in the white towel yet.